The Waiting Game

Every woman, every person rather, has their little hopes and expectations. One woman waits for the perfect beau, the other for a black gown and mortar board cap. Some dream of adventures in foreign lands, still others of comforting the cries of orphans.

My dreams and expectations seem to change quite a bit from year to year, though there have been some that have stayed constant. At one time in my life I thought i'd be a famous  writer. Some time later, I thought I would be a missionary in the third world, caring for orphans most likely. I thought I might be a teacher and someday a wife. I longed to be a wife. The amount of time that I waited for this in my life seems like forever. I feel like I waited more than half my life for that day in September. I'm a wife now. I find myself living the dreams I once had of keeping house and taking care of a dear man. It was worth the wait, and now the waiting is done. Right?

WRONG.

There is another dream I have; one that I have carried with me as long as I carried my dream of wifehood. my dream of motherhood. I've been taking care of other peoples children since I was thirteen, and have loved every minute. Now I am married and my arms ache for one who resembles me and my love. I yearn for a wee one who belongs to me and comes from my own flesh.  I took it for granted that my own would just come along right away. I assumed that three our four months into marriage I'd find myself "with child." Not so. Here I am 8 months later, looking for every excuse I can find for why I'm still barren.

    "Bruce was on antibiotics for a while, that probably didn't help." "I wasn't really tracking very well the first    

    few months." "Well i'm a very small woman, maybe that has to do with it." "Some people just take this   

    long." 

Suddenly as I find myself facing that time of the month again, I find that there are no more excuses. It seems painfully clear that God simply does not will us to have children right now. The question cowering in the back of my brain, trembling and to scared to even materialize itself is, will it EVER be His will?

 Bruce was not sick this month. It was a textbook month for us. So as the time draws near, many feelings flood my heart. I dread the results, and yet I can't hardly wait for them. I'm constantly looking at my belly in the mirror wondering if it looks different. I'm constantly analyzing my body and trying to decide if anything really feels different. One day I think maybe I'm a little nauseated, the next day I'm a little extra tired. Then I throw it all aside and bitterly exclaim that it won't matter because I'm probably not pregnant anyways. Then five minutes later I'm noting that my dreams have been more strange than usual. 

So I wait, I wait for my fertile time, then I wait for enough time to pass so I can take a test, then I agonize over when exactly to take a test, then I'm disappointed and the whole waiting cycle starts over again. I'm tired of waiting. I'm so weary of wondering and hoping and not knowing. Then a verse came to mind. 

"They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

What's He talking about? I am WEARY! Then I noticed that it didn't say that those who wait on conception will renew their strength. It didn't say that those who wait on a husband will renew their strength. It said that those who wait ON THE LORD will renew their strength. It occurred to me that this whole life that God has given us is nothing but one big waiting game. But what are we waiting for really? If we are constantly waiting on the things we think will give us earthly satisfaction we will just continue to wear ourselves out. If we wait on JESUS though, He gives us strength. He sustains, and He satisfies, like nothing else will. 

So this month I think I will let that dreaded day come and go and whatever the results, I will remember who I'm really waiting on, and look to Him for strength and renewal to keep the faith and keep trucking on through the next month, and the next, and the next, and the next....

He Is Better

Hello Again!

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. The good news is that Bruce and I finally found a new place. The bad news is, now we have to pack up and find furniture to fill our new TWO bedroom apartment. What a blessing! Through all the struggles and frustrations of looking for a new apartment, God taught me a lesson. I thought it was hard enough to be going through all the newly-wed challenges, plus apartment shopping and then add a little homesickness and you have a big mess. That is what I was. My husband is so patient!

So after we pulled through all of that and finally found a place, my husband showed me this video.
Matt Chandler was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor three years ago and was given three years to live. It's been three years and he's still alive. That is beside the point. His attitude towards this shocking news is simply this: Thank you God! Thank you for considering me worthy to display your goodness and your excellence and your glory in THIS. Not just when miracles are happening and we are blessed, but even when things are terrible and don't FEEL good, YOU ARE STILL GOOD!

He spoke about Hebrews 11 and how so many are commended for their faith. At the end he talks about  those who shut the mouths of lions, and who overcame terrible odds, but then it says some were beaten, some were shipwrecked, some were sawn in two and both groups of people showed great faith.

First of all, wow are my little trials BEANS compared to how people have suffered for Christ or what? Secondly, not everyone gets miracles and blessings all the time. Sometimes we suffer. I want be known as someone whose faith withstands the trials that come. I want to be able to stand up and say God is good, and excellent and beautiful and glorious no matter what the circumstances may be. I want to be able to say that God is sufficient, God is BETTER even than any thing, any circumstance, any ache or pain that there is in this world.

I also read an article in Table Talk magazine this week that spoke about pursuing contentment. It was dealing with the issue of covetousness, and how the heart issue is contentment. I have been so guilty lately, not of covetousness, but just of wallowing in my little list of things I wish were different. Um, Maria, THINGS AREN'T DIFFERENT!!! And you can't change them. You can only change YOU. That change that I need, it's contentment. So I've been on a crusade to pursue contentment. What a change it has made. How much more joy there is in life when you just choose to be thankful.

I sure do miss home....but I have the best husband in the whole world. So instead of being mopey because things here are different and mom and dad are far away, I choose to look at my hubby and let the goodness of the Lord fill my heart like wind in an open sail.

p.s  Here is a little preview of my wedding pics courtesy of Mark Elkins Photography.

There's a lot of love here :) 

Still Not Home

Still Not Home

White, and wispy all at once, she saw it coming fast

planning, working, calling, making, hoping she would last.

Then it came, and she emerged in white from head to toe.

Veil blown by balmy breezes, bright and all aglow.

She looked him in the eyes, she felt her spirit soar.

Home never felt this close before.

That white and wispy dream it carried her so long.

It buzzed and rang inside her ears like a lovely ringing song.

Day after day the song wore off, and then she faced her life.

She was happy cooking, cleaning, being a little wife.

I must be home, she thought, and sat down with a sigh.

But something in her yearned and longed, and made her want to cry.

The days grew long, and sometimes dull, the wispy dream had left.

She felt a little lonely, a little bit bereft.

Perhaps something was missing to make a home out of her house,

Perhaps she needed time to find her place, 

and get to know her spouse.

But time went on and on and on, she knew that wasn't true.

There was no thing, no time, no spouse

 that could stop her feeling blue.

No place, no person, nothing here on earth could fill and satisfy.

No place would ever fill her heart, and stop the need to cry.

No apartment, house or hut could make her feel at rest.

No roof would satisfy the longing that weighed upon her chest.

The only thing, she realized, that would fill her to the brim,

Would be when she saw God and went to her eternal home with Him.

Life Goes On...

Apartments, friends, feelings, schedules, routines.

These are all things that I am discovering, learning, searching for and understanding in my new life here.

Apartments. My husband and I have been searching diligently for an apartment. It is so difficult to find the line between being good stewards of our money and yet finding somewhere we can feel at home. We don't mind living somewhere that isn't the nicest place, but we would like a place where we don't wake up in the middle of the night because the roaches are having a party in our kitchen, you know?

Friends. Thank you Lord for letting me move nearby my sister. what an amazing blessing that has been. However, when you move to a knew place, you want to find connections, people you will see on a regular basis. In Morehead, I had Lambeth, of course, but I also had other friends that i'd run into at Wal-Mart, I new my hairdresser really well, and had other people that knew me around town. I want that community feeling here. I want my butcher to smile when he sees me coming, and I want to find my regular hair salon. I want to run into friends in the grocery store and when I'm on a walk. I want community. This takes time, and I'm not a very patient person. Yet, He is always faithful to provide, so I don't have to worry about it.

Feelings. So many new feelings. Homesickness comes in waves but less frequently now. Joy is constant. Happiness I feel whenever my hubby is in sight. Contentment fluctuates but increases with time. I am struggling with selfishness now more than I ever have. I never knew how spoiled I was until I got married. I have been shocked at how often I find myself upset and when I analyze it realize that I'm just not getting my way. God give me grace! And he does. Frustration and inadequacy come fairly often. Learning new roads, new stores, new everything can be frustrating, but at least they speak English here. I can't imagine what it's like for a new missionary transitioning into a whole new culture. Inadequacy I have always struggled with. My husband does such a lovely job of lifting me up and reminding me of the gifts God has given me. He also reminds me that it is GOD'S SPIRIT in me that does all the good and not me by myself.

Schedule and routines. This will come with time as I learn what my husband needs from me and what I need to accomplish during the day for my house and for my Herbalism program. No! I haven't abandoned it. I'm still working at it. And all of this comes with a need to learn how to balance my activities with the distraction of constantly available internet. I'll get used to it. I did in college.

Thank you Lord for helping me, and indwelling me with your Spirit, so that I might not lose hope and lose strength.

As the sun is full of light, 

the ocean full of water, 

Heaven full of glory, so my heart be full of thee.

Give me thyself without measure, 

as an unimpaired fountain, 

as inexhaustible riches. 

Come as love, that I may adore the Father, and love him as my all;

Come as joy, to dwell in me, move in me, animate me;

Come as helper, with strength to bless and keep, directing my every step;

Come as beautifier, bringing order out of confusion, loveliness out of chaos;

Magnify to me thy glory by being magnified in me, 

and make me redolent of thy fragrance.

Amen

~ From a puritan prayer

Dinners for Two

Hello friends!

A new challenge has presented itself in my new married life: cooking for two! I have spent the last fifteenish years cooking for anywhere from 4 -16+ people. I was not sure how I could reprogram my brain to cook less. I find myself buying large amounts of food, dividing it into portions and freezing it. It's kind of like being in college again. That was a three year window where I cooked for one! Although there were times then that I cooked for a lot more than that. Some of you may remember the famous Friday night dinners. So I find myself making little pots of soup, and chopping pork loins into four big chunks. It's kind of fun making a meal and then seeing if there's any left over. Tonight I made roasted pork loin with a pineapple glaze and a side of fresh steamed green beans and mashed potatoes. Yum! I can't wait to eat it :)

Here's a little how-to for roasted pork loin for two!

1. Take a full sized pork loin (1.79 a lb at Kroger this week!!) and chop it into four large pieces about four to five inches long. Freeze three pieces and save one out. 
2. Place the piece you saved out in a pressure cooker pot with olive oil, sprinkle it with seasoned salt and garlic powder and brown it. 
3. Then put the rack in the pressure cooker and 1 1/2 of water and a little salt. Put the lid on the cooker and bring it to full pressure. Cook it for about 12 minutes in a manual pressure cooker, 10 in an electric one.
4. Meanwhile, place three finely chopped rings of canned pineapple in a small saute pan and add a tablespoon of brown sugar and 1/4 tsp of fresh grated ginger. Add two tablespoons of water and simmer for a few minutes until thickened.
5. Let your pressure cooker fully release the pressure before you open it. Open it then and slice the pork loin, put it back in the cooker to stay warm.
6. Place fresh, rinsed and snapped beans into a steamer pot and steam for twenty minutes with salted water. Top with a couple pats of butter...VOILA! Delicious dinner for two :) Enjoy! 

Are We Home Yet?

Dear friends,
       I feel as though I've been here for an eternity now and I keep wondering when I'm going to have to pack up and go home. Then the reality hits me that I AM home. The trouble is, it doesn't quite feel like home yet. For one thing, all my books, beloved stationary, fountain pen, odds and ends are still in a storage unit. I daren't unpack them because in six weeks or so I'll have to pack them again. That's right, I'm moving again. Our lease is up December 1st and we're off to a slightly larger place. One where I might just have room to set up a legitimate pantry or a craft area. One where the kitchen is not also the living room, and the bedroom.  
It's not easy to be trying to settle and not settle too much at the same time. I want to be home. I yearn to be home, and yet I must wait.
     This waiting puts me in mind of the verse that says

"Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head." Matthew 8:20

  Where was I? Oh yeah, I think I was complaining about not feeling at home yet in this cozy apartment with a memory foam mattress topper and luxurious pillow.....how embarrassing. I can't believe that I would even begin to feel sorry for myself when Jesus himself had NOWHERE to lay his head that was his own. He had NOWHERE that he could call home. He slept outside, under the stars, and in the cold. He spent his days giving, giving, and giving until he exhausted himself. I spend my days working, staying busy, yes, but also whining and complaining a lot. 
      So my goal right now is not to focus on not being home quite yet, but on my home with Bruce. It's not the place really that is home, but the people. I don't really miss Morehead City or the beach as much as I miss Mom and Dad, Paul, and Grandmother. So I need to fill that bit of loneliness with my new home, my new family, Bruce. How can I adjust my heart, my emotions, my mindset to feel more at home with him? This is the question I intend to explore and answer. Stay tuned to find out my progress. Love to all! MG 

    

A New Name, A New Life

Dear Friends,

      I am now no longer Maria Lorraine McNiel. YES it's true, I got married! I am now Maria Lorraine Goff. And OH, how I love it! So I thought I would continue my blog as a married woman now. Exploring the challenges of being a stay at home wife in the big city. I haven't gotten quite used to using a dishwasher AND a dryer yet. I do miss hanging out the laundry.
     But oh there are so many JOYS in being a wife. My husband delights in all the little things I do. Everything is like a little gift to him. The things that were routine to my family are so new and exciting to him. When I take out his shirt in the evening and iron it for the next day. When I greet him with dinner ready. When I tidy up the house and when I do the laundry. Each thing just gives him joy and thus giving me joy as well.
     I am learning also that missing home is not bad. Grief of this kind is not so despairing. It is merely one's heart separating itself from what it was knit to before and re-knitting itself to a new family. Tearing and repairing can be a mite painful. But it will not last forever. There are things I miss about home, besides hanging out clothes of course. I miss the water. I miss afternoons sitting in my parents room rehashing the days events. I miss getting breakfast ready with my dad in the mornings, and hearing his talk radio when I got in the kitchen. I miss my grandmother shuffling around the house and telling me for the seventeenth time that she doesn't know what she'd do without me. Yes, I miss these things. I miss exercising with Lambeth in the mornings and meeting up with her for Bible studies. However, I do not long to have them back. It is merely a letting go, a saying goodbye that hurts.
     When I begin to wax sad, I simply think of my husband. I think of his delight in me, the joy I have in helping him, and the joy of being in his arms and belonging to him, and the sadness seems to fade away. I have much to be thankful for. I can hardly wait to see where this journey will take my husband and me. Stay tuned to find out!

 P.S. Here is a picture from our wedding day, and the picture of the twins I promised ;)

Such a beautiful day in my life!

This is a couple weeks after they were born. They are now six months old.

 So yes, I am now a Texan. I live here in the big city, a country mouse trying to find her way. More to come! ~ Mrs. Maria Goff