My dreams and expectations seem to change quite a bit from year to year, though there have been some that have stayed constant. At one time in my life I thought i'd be a famous writer. Some time later, I thought I would be a missionary in the third world, caring for orphans most likely. I thought I might be a teacher and someday a wife. I longed to be a wife. The amount of time that I waited for this in my life seems like forever. I feel like I waited more than half my life for that day in September. I'm a wife now. I find myself living the dreams I once had of keeping house and taking care of a dear man. It was worth the wait, and now the waiting is done. Right?
There is another dream I have; one that I have carried with me as long as I carried my dream of wifehood. my dream of motherhood. I've been taking care of other peoples children since I was thirteen, and have loved every minute. Now I am married and my arms ache for one who resembles me and my love. I yearn for a wee one who belongs to me and comes from my own flesh. I took it for granted that my own would just come along right away. I assumed that three our four months into marriage I'd find myself "with child." Not so. Here I am 8 months later, looking for every excuse I can find for why I'm still barren.
"Bruce was on antibiotics for a while, that probably didn't help." "I wasn't really tracking very well the first
few months." "Well i'm a very small woman, maybe that has to do with it." "Some people just take this
Suddenly as I find myself facing that time of the month again, I find that there are no more excuses. It seems painfully clear that God simply does not will us to have children right now. The question cowering in the back of my brain, trembling and to scared to even materialize itself is, will it EVER be His will?
Bruce was not sick this month. It was a textbook month for us. So as the time draws near, many feelings flood my heart. I dread the results, and yet I can't hardly wait for them. I'm constantly looking at my belly in the mirror wondering if it looks different. I'm constantly analyzing my body and trying to decide if anything really feels different. One day I think maybe I'm a little nauseated, the next day I'm a little extra tired. Then I throw it all aside and bitterly exclaim that it won't matter because I'm probably not pregnant anyways. Then five minutes later I'm noting that my dreams have been more strange than usual.
So I wait, I wait for my fertile time, then I wait for enough time to pass so I can take a test, then I agonize over when exactly to take a test, then I'm disappointed and the whole waiting cycle starts over again. I'm tired of waiting. I'm so weary of wondering and hoping and not knowing. Then a verse came to mind.
"They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint."
What's He talking about? I am WEARY! Then I noticed that it didn't say that those who wait on conception will renew their strength. It didn't say that those who wait on a husband will renew their strength. It said that those who wait ON THE LORD will renew their strength. It occurred to me that this whole life that God has given us is nothing but one big waiting game. But what are we waiting for really? If we are constantly waiting on the things we think will give us earthly satisfaction we will just continue to wear ourselves out. If we wait on JESUS though, He gives us strength. He sustains, and He satisfies, like nothing else will.
So this month I think I will let that dreaded day come and go and whatever the results, I will remember who I'm really waiting on, and look to Him for strength and renewal to keep the faith and keep trucking on through the next month, and the next, and the next, and the next....